It was nearly just another day on the scenic Missouri University campus in Columbia. Reeling after their NCAA tournament loss to Norfolk State, students at the campus were subdued and quiet, taking to studies and politics to take their mind of their horrific lose and tournament bracket busting ineptitude.
An impromptu meeting was set-up between the campus’ Young Democrats and College Republicans, purportedly to schedule an upcoming debate on the campus between Barack Hussein Obama and whoever wins the primary between “Romney, Gingrich and Santorum.”
Word purportedly reached Ron Paul’s 68 Missouri supporters in quick fashion, as campus security reports at around 11:38 am on early Saturday, and two RVs full of crazed, yelling geriatric reached the campus.
Student Public Safety officer Allison Tindine recalls, “It was one moment, just a lazy Sunday. The next, I was dodging Molotov cocktails and crying, on my iPhone telling my parents this may be it. It was like the opening scene in saving Private Ryan.
Those RV doors opened and men in hats with navy boat symbols and wars were running out, yelling stuff like “Black presidents are Unconstitutional” and “Public universities must be struck down, it’s not right!”.
Like many students, Tindine fled for safety and hid in the campus’ ample hills and crevices. With the police force of Columbia being used to only rural situations of cows and petty theft, the school’s public safety office was pulled in to coordinate manpower.
At approximately 12:25 pm, Paul’s backers took control of the student union and athletic facility. Many of the archaic weaponry the men in the brigade were using seemed ‘straight out of World War II’, according to Public Safety Official Hector Sanchez-Domingues.
“The Molotov cocktails left us with no choice but to run. They were shooting small arms and I think one of the RVs had a flak cannon mounted in the back. We had no way to approach them as they overtook the campus core and baracaded themselves.”
Once in clear control of the student union, the leaders of the Ron Paul Backers militia became smug and immediately issued demands over the campus’ radio station.
Their views matching that of Ron Paul, the elders of the group demanded Missouri practice a better system of feudal law, the basis of pure state rights. The group also demanded that Missouri had a right to cede from the union unless the US government recognizes its sovereign right to be racist, own slaves and immediately demand an end to enforced segregation.
“It’s a matter of personal choice. Missouri had their right to be racist and own slaves stripped away by the fed. That’s unconstitutional. Since when does the Constitution say that blacks have a right to be free and that the federal government has a right to enforce their freedom?”, reasoned the militia’s leader, Harlan Duke.
The elders continued to state that all healthcare must end, Missouri should hold a public vote if women who like contraception are ‘sluts’ and that Ron Paul must appear on every state ballot, because it’s ‘fat cat trickery’ and ‘unfair’ that Paul is not included in every debate.
Missouri’s governor declared a state of emergency and immediately called President Barack Obama, who immediately okay’d the use of National Guard to help fight the seasoned yet potentially senile veterans backing Ron Paul.
DEFIANT – With campus public safety and local law enforcement pinned down by Ron Paul backers, Missouri University students rallied in a shocking streak of bravery. Here, a group of brave Mizzou students overturn a ’97 Oldsmobile that two Paul backers were using as a patrol/sniping car.
By the time Federal Troops arrived, the situation had grown more dire.
Paul’s supporters continued to make false promises over the school’s loudspeakers. “If you want marijuana legalized, vote for Ron Paul. Criminalizing marijuana is unconstitutional!”
Missouri’s basketball and football teams were soon after seen helping guard the doors of the Student Union, making use of force more risky for LEOs on the scene.
In the gymnasium, things also grew worse. Some students joined with the several dozen geriatrics and began to wildly cheer for Paul’s, “Free sex, all the drugs you want, no educational mandate” platform.
Ron Paul’s supporters beguile naive, study-weary students to join their cause at Mizzou. With but a few empty promises, Paul’s backers were able to convince kids that if Ron Paul gets elected, everyone will have a right to live off the land and not worry about ‘work requirements’, as all such things violate the spirit of the US Constitution. Prosecution of alleged sex crimes and drug use are also things Ron Paul promised to ‘gut out’ of the ‘overly police happy state’ of America. Many fraternities at Mizzou pledged allegiance after hearing these mandates.
After only several hours on campus, it was estimated Paul and his backers managed to grow their numbers from 68 to 14,290. The other 15,000 students continued to hide or support the local law enforcement and public safety.
The standoff seemed to almost be the instigation of another Civil War.
Fortunately, as time waned on and federal troops arrive on the campus at approximately 4:00 pm, Paul’s chief backers had grown groggy and cranky. Their age had betrayed their speeches of fiery activism and manipulation of young voters to think a feudal system of the Law of Lords ruling small bits of land was a good thing. As quickly as the Paul riots had started, they died down and arrests were made.
At time of report, all 68 of Paul’s supporters in Missouri have been arrested for raqueteering illicit thoughts and exploitation of a public venue. Ron Paul allegedly escaped before federal troops arrived and students at the Missouri-Columbia campus will be issued private lectures and discipline from school officials.