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Posted by scout Promoted 773 days 3 hours ago 1852 views
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Entertainment / Humor
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Some jokes to entertain you....Or not
Irishman walks into a pharmacy.
Irishman: "pack of condoms please"
Assistant: "We are all out sir but you could always try boots"*
IM: "FFS, I want to slide in not march in"
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Heard about the gay undertaker, his job made him feel 'dead Ernest'.
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A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
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A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What are you having then?"
Man replies, "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee"
The man gulps them down as fast as he can and lights up a cigarette.
"So whats the occassion?" asks the bartender.
"Just had my first blow job" replies the man.
"Really how was it?" replies the bartender.
Man replied, "Not too bad but i can still taste it!"
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A Irish man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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A bus full of ugly people all died in a horrific accident. When they went to heavon, God said, "Since you lived such a sad life because of your appearences, each of you will get a wish."
So the first person asks to be pretty and POOF, she was gorgeous. The rest liked her idea, so one by one they all asked to be pretty.
When God got to the last boy, the boy was grinning.
God asked, "What's so funny?"
"I wish they were all ugly again!"
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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a woman walks in to a dry cleaners. the casheer is slightley hard of hearing, and when she says, "just the regular" he says, "come again?" and the woman replies embarassed, "no, no, this time its mustard."
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I'll leave ya with a short Scottish winter poem.
"FUCK IT'S FREEZING"
Please add any jokes you have.
*Boots is sort of a department store with a pharmacy*
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