In an ongoing personal effort to make the USA a kinder, friendlier and more aesthetically sensitive land, I propose the following be outlawed:
In an ongoing personal effort to make the USA a kinder, friendlier and more aesthetically sensitive land, I propose the following be outlawed:
1. Overweight people who insist on wearing inappropriate clothing.Do you own a size 4X number 54 Chicago Bears official NFL jersey? A pair of Reebok cross trainers, for which the most strenuous activity is lacing them up? A pair of Nike running shorts capable of housing a small African family? Do you jog or drive to KFC?
If you answered yes, yes, yes, drive,.. give it up. You will never be mistaken for a pulling guard, much less Brian Urlacher. Yes, there are 360lb football players. Players who can run a sub six second 40 yard dash and slam dunk a basketball. Players who earn millions of dollars for their efforts and are far less likely than you to have a stroke pulling on their socks.
Possibly, wearing a mawashi and styling your hair into a topknot will have you mistaken for a Sumo wrestler. Failing that, start wearing bib overalls and move to Arkansas.
Women, (allowing that you’re over 200lbs and not wearing NFL jerseys)… tube tops, short shorts and string bikinis are not flattering.
Stretching elastic or spandex to ridiculous dimensions appears painful to the material, the wearer and more so to the viewer. If your man tells you he likes large sexy ladies, he is either in a dangerous mental state or is aware you father owns the biggest hog farm in three counties. If diet and exercise aren’t viable options, refer to bib overalls and Arkansas.
2. Entirely impractical motor vehicles and their ownersDo you feel a need for speed, Mario? Tearing through rush hour, 50 mph faster than existing traffic and changing lanes like Ricky Bobby at the Daytona 500 doesn’t impress anyone other than to scare the shit out of them. The Autobahn is in Germany and from what I hear, they don’t find insane drivers amusing, either.
If common sense escapes you in this regard, search out a desolate winding mountain road (as seen on TV) to test the limits of man and machine until you launch your gleaming Masa-audi-beemer GT-Omologato off a cliff. With some luck, you might land on a fat guy driving a Hummer.
Segue to Hummers, SUVs and outrageously large pickup trucks. ….Are you in the army, do you own a farm, a ranch, a construction business, or have 19 kids? If not, you probably don’t need one. Exceptions can be made for pimps, drug dealers and Mafia Dons. Having an exceptionally small penis or hailing from Arkansas and being too large to fit into a conventional auto might also be considered.
Otherwise, give overworked OPEC nations and the rest of the world a break and put your 3 ton, gas chugging Tonka Toy away. It would make a nice centerpiece, on blocks in the front yard amidst your old refrigerators and plumbing fixtures. As the need arises, drive your lawn tractor down to the Suds-N-Grub instead.
3. Infomercials and Home Shopping NetworksIn the course of a typical evening of power drinking, I will generally pass out around 8pm, to awake at 3am with a brain full of mush and a pounding headache. While I wait for an aspirin to take effect, I would amuse myself with some light television fare. As I flip through the channels in this early hour, I am besieged by manic (probably methamphetamine addicted) product spokespeople going gaga over cleaning solutions, vacuum cleaners, slicer-dicers, blenders, electric grills and toaster ovens on steroids.
Can a seemingly rational person experience an orgasm from whiter whites, French cut celery stalks or cooking a 10 lb turkey in 15 minutes? Is it probable? I’m not a rational person, but might I have been wasting all these years searching lesbian bondage porn?
Having resisted George Foreman, Ron Popeil and whoever the lunatic is who sells Oxy-clean, I happen upon the Home Shopping Channel, selling junk jewelry, nik-naks, porcelain figurines, off brand electronics and any sort of hard to find item at rock bottom prices. I watch the counters tick down as buyers call in to squeal with glee over the merits of their purchases. 10, 9, 8.…. last chance for one of the remaining 10,000, one of a kind items. Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, these people are good. Fortunately, my credit card was declined, or I’d be making 6 easy payments on a complete set of life size, illuminated, plastic Elvis at the Last Supper lawn statuary. They would have looked like shit out there with the F350 and the fridges in any case.
Although, having made the purchase, I could have beseeched holy Elvis and his disciples to damn those shysters to a burning hell for taking advantage of my alcohol induced diminished capacity.
There are certainly several other things I can find fault with. Inconsiderate asses with booming car stereos, theme restaurants, and moronic customer service staff members to name a few. But this is getting lengthy as it is, and I should be getting back to my checker game.
