These are the friendly assholes you meet on the road. They love ruining your day.
10. The Last Second Turn-SignalerLife doesn't get much better than having a nice, sunny summer weekend where you and your boys can cruise down the street in your six-four, all whilst jocking women, slapping hoes and of course listening to some good, pirated music on your stereo. Things may even get so good that while driving you have a cold cherry slushee in hand, discussing what rotten deeds you'll get into later in the night.
But suddenly, without precedence, you hear "Look out!" and are forced to bang your brakes in hard, screech-inducing fashion. Red slurpee goes flying all over your clean ride, your music all of a sudden isn't so chill and you're naturally cussing more than a coprolalia ridden sea captain. Faster than a We-Ho hooker puts her mouth to phallic objects, your good summer vibe explodes in an orgy of magnificent defeat.
The bringer of this deed is number ten on today's list, the last second turn-signalers. Natural assholes of the traffic world, LSTS' cause many accidents on a day to day basis. For some reason in their minds, they can't fathom that a person traveling 45+ mph right behind them may need more than 3 seconds to properly slow down their car. For those of you who fall into this category, may your life be cursed with the black death... or at least obligatory angry dudes from the hood stealing your car.
9. Young Speedsters in 1997 Honda Accord Rice RocketThe next category of driving douche is one of whom we're all familiar; the young person with a suped up 90s era car. Getting stuck around a group of these kids in traffic is like taking a DeLorean back to the 90s, but somehow being magically transported into a live game of Mario Kart for NES.
Buzzzzzz, go the cute little engines on these rice rockets as they push waste through the shiny, chromed exhaust.
Listen here, you little Toad-splooge look-alike, green shell shooting, kart driving bastards. It's great that mommy or Dad helped you supe up that Accord or Ford Probe. It really is. But I don't care about your car, your love for Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious or your sporadic drive 80mph, then slow down to 2mph while weaving in traffic driving style. Grown ass men will beat the snot out of you for driving in such a way. If teens were able to rice-rocket old horses in John Wayne's time, you can bet an entire generation of young men would have been filled with bullet holes and missing in certain Western regions.
8. Mr. John Deere Tractor
Many of you readers today are lucky because you never had to live around farm land. For those of you who have had to endure such regions, you know the agony of living in nice, quiet areas where burly, drunk ass hicks named Bubba Joe Lumpkins don't take too kindly to driving cars or takin' fancy water baths ever'day. They'd rather drive their John Deere tractor down the middle of the damned road.
The sad thing is that not all guys who drive tractors around have actual farms. Living in proximity to one and using good ol' boy lingo is usually fair grounds for having a tractor to drive about the town.
A city slicker may assume that this is the type of thing that only happens in movies, but it's sadly not the case. All over maps in areas where you see no major roads listed and things landmarked as "Ol' man Maguildacuddy's big spitting bucket by the old well, can't miss it", you can bet there are disgruntled drivers stuck behind an old, sweaty farmer slowly driving his tractor in hot summer heat. This is why you hear about
people in Wisconsin getting so angry that they breakdown and cover themselves in BBQ sauce.
7. Low Riding Black Dudes in Crappy Car, Loud MusicWhat's up with some guys and their love for buying a $500 car, but filling the trunk with $5000 worth of sonic-weapon grade stereo equipment. I've yet to go a good day without seeing an old Cutlass Supreme, a Nissan Datsun, 1979 Lincoln Towncar or the obligatory Caprice having bolts shaken from it due to the booming power of the speakers in its trunk, tearing the car asunder.
There is nothing wrong with liking a bit of music when you drive. But when your stereo starts to register on the Richter scale, and sounds like a combination of a toolbox hitting the ground while Elvira scratches a chalkboard because your car is so crappy, it's time to reevaluate your priorities.
Maybe instead of buying so much equipment, you could buy a decent car with some A/C that doesn't have rusty bolts or doesn't need duct tape to hold itself together. Also, you know, us other folks might like to hear our own music at the stop light. It may be the only thing keeping us calm enough from stepping out of our cars and shooting your patched donut tire out of commission.
Unfortunately all of our low-riding friends in this category either have lack of video camera or interest in YouTube, so here's the next best thing on subject. And yes, guys with ghetto cars and stock sound system, don't go blasting your music either...
6. High School Chicks
Ahh, the joy of youth. It's a good time. You don't have to worry about voting for asshole politicians, food is typically free and you probably don't have to have to be associated with the joys of house payment/school bills/car insurance/health insurance/daily expenses and a nagging wife with kids.
Like many of you, there are times on the weekend where I like to indulge in a bit of cheap food, maybe swing by the mall to grab some new clothes and catch a movie. This typically results in a drive through an In-N-Out, mall and/or theater parking lot. Standard business.
What I don't get is why every weekend, no matter the weather or season, as sure as the postal service delivers there are mounds of idle high school chicks clogging up the streets and parking lots. It wouldn't be an issue if they were actually doing
something productive. But literally, they are just sitting in the lots on top of their cars and occasionally pulling out to drive in circles, to only come back and park again.
Ants on the misplaced spittle of honey at a fat-peoples picnic pale in comparison to the number of high school chicks in overly nice cars sitting around, doing nothing but hurting progress and our ability to shop and eat in a timely manner on a warm Westwood evening. Why must we suffer such things?
For this one I'm blaming parents. One, there are not many good reasons why kids should be driving cars that may or may not cost more than the homes of some folks. $80,000 dollars (about 23 pounds and two pence for our English readers) is far too much for a car. Instead, use that money to send your damned kids off to boarding school or adorn their rooms with more gaming systems. This way, they won't they won't waste time sitting in a parking lot or road looking up a down the street, not moving unless they want to sneak in a drag race in between stop lights. Two, your kids need to stop dressing like hookers. It's a problem when a parking lot full of loitering kids starts to look and smell like a Vegas Brothel class of '85 reunion.
5. The Oldsmobile GrannyI'm not sure how many of you readers remember a show called "Dinosaurs". It was basically a tv-sitcom that came on back in the early 90s and featured actual families of dinosaurs as its cast. The main family was comprised of Earl and his wife Fran, kids being Robbie, Charlene and Baby 'not the Mama'.
Anyway, one episode of the show had to do with the worth of old people. We would observe the ancient wisdom of dinosaurs in embedded format, but since Tudou is a commie site they don't allow embeds.
Here's the hallowed link via our buddies at SurfTheChannel.
Now, don't get us wrong here, old people. We don't mind taking care of you and having you drive on our streets, but just like every other person out there you have to be held accountable for your actions. "I'm old and confused, where's my prune juice, Billy?" is not a legit excuse for stealing batteries, grabbing a hot woman's boobs or
running 9 people down to their deaths, and injuring 50 more, on a busy open mall street.
The dinosaurs were on to something. If old people want to drive, fine. But after a certain age, if their driving significantly slows us down, results in someone's precious new BMW getting scratched in a Kroger parking lot or heaven forbid, a fender bender, I say the resultant punishment should be a trial by a group of youthful peers and sentence of being tossed into a new La Brea tar pits.
4. The Freeway CreeperFreeway creepers, why do you hate freedom? There is nothing much worse than being on a strip of road created for the sole purpose of high-speed traffic to only get stuck behind, in the passing lane of all places, a car that is traveling at 'I'm a site-seer on a rural country road' speeds. GTFO.
I can understand some cars are crappy or drivers may be a bit scared to go over a certain speed. Actually, no, I'm not that nice or sympathetic.
All cars should come with a standard armament of badass weapons. We could speed down the road like a coked-out Bruce Willis stoked on Popeye-spinach caliber uppers, blowing the crap out of all cars going under the minimal speed limit. It would sure as hell make driving much more interesting and ensure people who like to drive too slow stay the hell off the freeway. We hate you, freeway creepers. Your horrible driving is only outdone by your amazingly slow pace on the on and off-ramps. Your crimes should be punishable by a very slow roadside stoning ceremony.
3. Obligatory Woman Doing Make-upWomen who choose to do make-up on their daily commute to work should probably be higher on the list. Women, what on Earth compels you to think that busy freeway or stop-and-go traffic is the optimal place to do your Bozo-the-Clown routine? Sure, you need to hide the ugly face hideousness you suffer underneath layers of paint so as to not offend your co-workers, but when you're doing this on the road you're cutting into the driving time and safety of everyone else.
Some ladies have the audacity to even lean far over to reach into their bag/crates to pull out eyeliner or mascara, whichever is the one you use to curl eyelashes. Why are you obstructing the view of your eyes while driving?! Ray Charles would have made a better driver than a hag-face woman who's rushing to work.
Here's a game called lists and reason: 1) Alarm Clock. 2) Set 30 minutes earlier. 3) Bathroom. 4) Mirror.
Or, let's make it simpler as it would seem those who think it's ok to swerve in traffic to paint a face may not be able to count to four: 1) Get back into the kitchen.
2. The Asshole Above The Law CopWhat's a list of societal douchebags without the requisite appearance of a public official. Number two on today's list is taken by naught but our favorite boys in blue. Now I'm not an expert on all the standards in law enforcement, but for some reason I don't think 'speed down the freeway at 90 mph in normal traffic, for no reason at all but to be a pretentious bastard' is a part of protecting and serving the public.
We've all seen it before. Cops tend to go a bit, and by a bit I mean up to 20-30mph, over the speed limit without lights on many times over. Sure, they may be on some 'silent call'. That's granted. When I see a cop speeding down the road like a bat out of Hades, to only be foiled by normal freeway traffic a half mile later --no sign of Apocalypse, wife having a baby or fire in sight-- I know something is rotten in Denmark.
I think every person with a decent driving record needs to be issued 'cop tickets' that we can give to officers. When you see a cop driving like a douche, without proper siren and lights, you pull them to the side of the road. We would all get aviator glasses and an optional fake mustache if we want too.
Protocol would dictate that when approaching the cop, we get to be condescending assholes and shine a flashlight into their car in case they try any funny business. After proper questioning and asking them 'where's the fire' and accusing them of being a fake cop in stolen car, we let them off with just a ticket or warning. It'd certainly make me feel safer and keep cops in check.
1. Cell-phone UsersJust because you have assimilated to Borg-dom with a Bluetooth headset, number one on today's listing of douchebag drivers does not exclude you. Now it's purely reasonable that some people need to be on their cellphones; there are doctors, business execs and even Joe McWorkingpants who must get the occassional 'don't forget the ketchup' calls. You can never be without ketchup. Fair enough.
But the rate of important calls to the amount of times people cause near accidents, from blabbing on the phone or the even driving while texting, is exceptionally and unnecessarily high. It's a bad sign when you get into a near wreck and wonder what the hell the driver of the other car was smoking, then give a knowing and understanding nod as you see the driver was using a cell, as if it where a pack of delicious Mentos.
Here's a plan for everyone who has a cell phone. If you're not Doogie Howser or Jack Bauer trying to kill some damned terrorists, turn your phone off. The assholes on the other end can wait that extra five minutes for you to get to their place to sit around, decide what to do and ultimately end up loitering in some public venue. If you suck at driving and are tempted to get on the road, cell phone in hand, remember there are always quiet, normal drivers who have had a far too long work week and are only moments away from breaking you. Until next time, drive safe...