Hi. I am the man you hate. The guy who was fucking your ex-girlfriend before you...
I am ‘that’ guy. You know, the one you hate. The one your girlfriend always talks about. Every bad thing I ever did to her, you have heard plenty of. Maybe it isn’t your girlfriend but just some chick you know. Regardless, you hate me.
I could be your best friend. Instead, since you met the chick first, you betrayed the sacred code of manhood and have judged me based on what a woman has told you. If we had met under different circumstances, you might be calling me to go watch the Nuggets game and slam a few beers tonight. As it stands now, you just love to tell her what a loser I am and how much better off she is without me.
I am no different from you. We’re both dudes. We both liked to ride bikes when we were younger. We like boobs. We probably laugh at the same funny pictures on the internet. Also, wookies. Hell yeah!
You, however, seem to think I’m some sort of scum. A chick told you a thing or two and now you are an authority on every bad thing I have ever done. Bad things like?
“He kicked my dog!”
What she doesn’t tell you is that dog loves me more than bacon. At one time, he was my dog. Once he chewed some of my shit so I kicked his ass. Of course, in her eyes I was, at the time, just a rotten dog kicker and not, as was the truth, a man teaching a dog not to chew his shit. By the way, that dog misses me and will pee on your shit every time he gets a chance because you are not me. Don’t act like you don’t deserve it.
“He used all my money and slept all day long!”
Ok, yes, I like to fucking sleep. Don’t act like you don’t like to sleep as well. Also, I don’t have a great job so if a woman wants to do something nice, I won’t turn her down if she offers to pay. Unlike you, when I watched Fight Club I learned that my khakis do not make me awesome. While it may be true that I do not have the same amount of useless crap as you do, the fact remains that I scrogged your chick before you did, which means I did not need money to be cool whereas you, on the other hand, did.
“He got drunk and tried to sleep with/told off my sister!”
First of all, you know as well as I do that rotten cunt deserves a kick in the ass. We can agree on that, but I had the balls to tell her. Or maybe I just tried to stick my penis in her. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about that as well. The difference between me and you is, well… I have the nuts you wish you had.
“He is the reason my life sucks!”
Maybe I am. We all make mistakes. I’m sure there is some chick out there who hates your guts as well. I have done some things I regret in my life and so have you. The difference is this: I don’t hear about what you did so I don’t give two fucks. Even if I did have to hear about it, I wouldn’t care.
Or maybe I would. Maybe all of us, as men, are doomed to such irrational thoughts about each other. It is a sad reality I have seen go on all too much. You are guilty of it, so am I, so was ‘Jack’. He really hated Tyler. Come to find out, he was Tyler.
Maybe we could all learn a thing or two from Jack…