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Posted by TigerEyes Promoted 56 days 14 hours ago 1787 views
editorial
Informative / Informative General
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4 comments
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A loving tribute to Billy Mays and Vince Shlomi. We all know this is what they would want to peddle.
Do you find yourself restricted by your cord length? Trapped in the backyard when you wish you could explore different venues? Is your maneuverability hindered by your old, outdated, and cumbersome chainsaw? Well, stop your moping and toss your worries aside!
The Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 is a new, improved, environmentally friendly, rechargeable, CORDLESS model that allows you to do your dirty work with ease! Do you need to clear out the backyard? Kill your nosy neighbor and bury the body parts miles away? Terrorize visiting teenagers? Well, the wonderful Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 gives you the maneuverability you desire without wasting precious fuel or getting caught up in unnecessary cords!
The simple to operate on/off switch maximizes your project time. There is no more hassling with cords, finding an open socket, or refueling! There is also no need to locate another extension cord if your project is too far away. Never again will you need to readjust your position because your cord is in the way. The Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 is simple and easy to prepare; just charge it at night on its convenient charger while you’re peacefully sleeping and dreaming of effortlessly completing all your Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 needs.
But, wait! Is your hooker about to wake up? Do you need your Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 to silence him or her right now? Is there an intruder in your house that needs to be dealt with? No problem!! Just use one of your two, included and pre-charged, backup battery packs for all those immediate Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 needs. For your convenience the battery lasts for HOURS!!
The new lightweight and durable design allows for the maximization of your homicidal tendencies or any other project you may tackle. Your single planned murder can now turn into a crime wave just by eliminating the cord! Your area of victimization expands exponentially when you don’t need to plan your killing within 20 feet of an electrical outlet. Take your Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 from the backyard to the park, even to that creepy apartment building! You can take your Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 ANYWHERE!
As an added bonus your victims will no longer be able to run away to alert the authorities while you’re stuck chained to the wall!
Are you worried about looking silly or conspicuous carrying your Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 around with you? Well, don’t you worry! You no longer must lug around that cumbersome chainsaw! The Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 FOLDS into an even smaller and more discreet destructive machine with just a few simple maneuvers! The Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 is so portable that you can even fit it in your purse or briefcase! No longer will people stare at you awkwardly as you carry your chainsaw from the office to your destination! Or vice versa!
If you thought this was incredible, prepare to be amazed! The Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 also comes with laser guide attachment! Make clean and precise cuts with every swing! Are you aiming for the neck or aorta? You’ll never miss with this handy little attachment.
Even better, with our new design, taken from the miraculous Miracle Blade III® technology, there are no more dull blades! Each of the 4000 saw teeth will never dull and are guaranteed FOR LIFE! Your Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 always slices through anything just like the very first time or your money back! The Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 cuts through full grown men as if they were butter! In seconds! WOW! The Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 works wonderfully on bones, busty blondes, brains, and MORE!
Included in this special offer is a complete set of elegant blades for the artist in every chainsaw killer. Impress your hapless victims when you carve out their spleen in a beautiful and controlled swirl! Now you can be proud of your beautiful butchering skills and make every crime scene a masterpiece. Create a new and unique signature with these durable and graceful blades. These blades also carry our money back guarantee if they ever rust or break.
The Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 even comes with a free ShamWow® and bucket of OxyClean® as our FREE GIFT to you for just trying out the Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000. You can use the ShamWow® for easy cleanup on those messy jobs! You can even use the ShamWow® to mop your sweaty brow after a hard day or night of work. And just think, with the OxyClean® there will be no more blood splatters on your nice suit or hockey mask! If you've ever tried to get blood out of anything, just think of what OxyClean® will do for those hard to treat stains. Just watch the marks dissolve away!
But wait, there’s more! With this limited time offer we will double your purchase absolutely free! That’s two Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000s, four replacement batteries, two ShamWows®, and two buckets of OxyClean® for the price of one! Now you can keep one stashed away if you are ever caught or forced to flee your hideout for any reason, start your own chainsaw gang, or even teach the Texan next door the serene art of chainsaw massacre! The possibilities are endless!
This incredible piece of machinery can be yours for only four easy payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling. Call 1-800-CHAIN-SAW now for your cordless, rechargeable, folding Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000!
If you call in the next ten minutes we’ll even throw in a fifth battery pack ABSOLUTELY FREE!! That’s a $10 value, yours absolutely free.
Remember, that’s 1-800-CHAIN-SAW to order your Megasplatter Chainsaw 9000 today!
HANDS-FREE MODEL COMING SOON!