The things I have to go thru just to get my message across to you.
Well, here we are. All lost on a Sunday night/Monday morning listening to Siouxie and without a cigg or a cup of coffee in front of me. Yep. I am once again quitting smoking, altho this time should be easier than last time for last time I quit was Jan of 2001 and that was after smoking since around 1989. This time I began smoking on Dec of 2005 and quit on Feb of 2008. Recent situations made me start again and here I am quiting again after...
No one really cares, do they?
Boy this beginning part is boring.
I have always hated beginnings. Beginings of stories, beginings of pomes, sonnets, or just songs. I can't write them. I have a real hard time getting a good groove going. I just cannot write anything from the start. I have to put it into words as a middle then the beginning and then the end. But one thing you don't have to worry about in my writings is the use of subliminal messaging. I wouldn't ever put subliminal message in my writingssend me your money In fact. I am sick of all of those people out there that keep telling the leaders that I am the one responsible for all this mind control malarkey. It's not my fault. I am not the one. Lies I tell you. All lies!!!all your women too
What? No... of course not silly. I wouldn't put any hidden messages in my words. I'm to dumb for that. I would have no idea how to start doing that. No idea at all.send packages to PO box 5432 Chuckmeister, CT
Are you calling me a liar? Well, let mesex make one thing clear to youmoney I may be lot of things. A Father. A Husbandsex A pool shark. But one thingmoney I am not is a man who bendssex the truth. I haven'tmoney told a lie since I was... was... well neversex. I nevermoney eversex EVERmoney liesex. Do you really think that I...
[Editor's note: Due to certain hidden messages in the above paragraphs, and for the point of trying to extract any more of these harmful messes from this writing, we will now skip ahead to a later part of this rant. Sorry for the inconvenience.]
...and then I said, "5 hamsters? Only 5? Will I can stick 7 in mine with no problems!"
and then he said, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
"Sure thing!" I said confidently. Then I gathered up the hamsters, undid my buckle and...
[Editor's note: Due to the pornographic nature of above statements said, we will, before it gets to the really bad parts, skip ahead in this rant. Again, thank you for being so patient]
...No you mortal fools! It is not him! It is I. It is I that holds the 18 sacred bubble gum balls. I am the Eggplant incarnate. Look at me scum and see your doom. I am a horrifying mixture of 1/2 man, 1/3 Chihuahua, 1/3 Insurance Salesman, and 1/3 politically radioactive throat nugget with achy palms and a slight case of , Hepatitis B! It is I, you wart on existence. I am...
[Editor's note: On behalf of the production, the staff, & myself; we would just like to say that we are not responsible for this jerk. He's the one typing, not us. It's always been like that. He writes the words, we get the flack. He can say whatever he likes, but if one person complains, do you really think he'll get yelled at? Noooooooooo! It's us that get the crap. Us, that have to ride the waves he makes. It's us, damnit! Well, MR. 'I can write whatever the hell I want to,' I am getting a little sick & tired of all your ranting and ravings. Why can't you write like normal writers. You know, like Hemingway or Poe, or even Billslem. Oh that Billslem, what a writer. I'll tell you...]
...Wait a minute. Who the hell is Billslem?
[Editor's note: Billslem. Howard R. Billslem. Author of such great works as," Love me, my artichoke"; or," Ode to silly putty, warmed in my armpit"; and his newest masterpiece, "Newman & his big orange carrot". It's a wonderful story of a young runaway who is befriended by a talking carrot. Oh, the adventures they have. Only $5.95 in US stores. On sale now.]
...Excuse me, but that kinda sounds like a sales pitch.
[Editor's note: A sales pitch? A SALES PITCH?... Ok. So he's my brother in law.]
...Your Brother in law?
[Editor's note: Yeah. I promised my wife that I would find a way to mention him in your new rant. Maybe it would get his sales up. Maybe he would even be able to move out of our den.]
...Ok. That does it!
[12 Gauge sawed off shotgun's note: KIRBLAMMO!]
[Editor's note: AUGGGHH!!!!]
[Editor's body as it hits the ground, rolls 5 ft, crashes through a window, falls 20 stories, & is hit by a 2 ton mack truck's note: Bump... roll roll roll... crash... woosh... splat... honk honk... double splat.]
Ah . Now that that's over. I guess I better get out of here and find myself a new editor. But I'll just leave you on this final note. There are 3 kinds of people. There are the glass is half empty people. There are the glass is half full people. And then there are the ones that just want to know what happened to their goddamn cheeseburger.
Which one are you sex?